Fighting a final boss: Letting go of my need for control (2/n)

Finding the right balance of control and letting things play out

Photo by Matthias Oberholzer from Unsplash

Continuing on my mini-series on challenging the final bosses in my life, I’m sharing my experiences and reflections on learning to let go of a deep-seeded need for control over life situations.

To briefly touch upon my previous post, a litmus test that helps me identify whether I’m leaning too strongly into my high agency or not is asking myself, “Is this a hill that I’m really willing to die on?”

Without further adieu, here is the second part in my journey of fighting final bosses in this game we call Life. 💪

🤔 Where does my need to maintain control come from?

For the most part, whenever I felt a strong obligation to exercise a need for control, it comes from a place of fear—more specifically:

• The fear of failure to meet a specific outcome, which stems from a mindset of thinking there is one “true” outcome or result that we should pursue

• The fear of the unknown, whereas the intent of exercising control is to give myself a semblance of security and predictability.

• The fear of history repeating itself, when I felt powerless or like some aspect of my life was out of my control.

Thoughts of fears are very real; however, whether these thoughts manifest in physical reality are another thing altogether.

🥊 What made me want to challenge this behavioral tendency?

Historically, my need for control is closely tied with my tendencies of people-pleasing and seeking external validation from others.

Over time, I’ve realized that pleasing others:

• Expends a lot of mental and emotional energy that I could have channeled elsewhere

• Leaves me in a place that I might not be satisfied with

Instead, I want to liberate myself to be in a place that I’m content with things how they are in the moment and give myself the permission to change my mind about where I want to be, should that ever change.

👐 What makes me think that I have control over a situation?

It’s true that we do exercise at least some degree of control over some inputs in most life situations, such as:

• The thoughts we have

• What we say (or don’t say)

• What we do (or don’t do)

• The intentions we have

Previous life experiences have influenced these aspects of us (as they are the conscious and subconscious outcomes of other people’s actions or words directed to us), so we don’t even fully control them either in a literal sense since we can’t go back in time and change our past. However, we do have control over how we approach these inputs as we move forward in life.

However, I’d be lying to myself if I said that we have full control over a situation.

After all, we don’t control:

• Other people’s thoughts

• What others say (or don’t say)

• What others do (or don’t do)

• The intentions that others hold or have

💡 What do I actually have control over in situations?

Most broadly, I control my body, which includes my mind. More specifically, I control:

• What I say and how I deliver a message, both through the words I use and the non-verbal cues I radiate through tone of voice, body language

• What I do

• The awareness I have around my own thoughts, intentions, and motivations, which form the context behind what I say and do

• The awareness I have about other people’s actions and behaviors, to stay curious about why they may be saying something or doing something I don’t quite understand

These all come across as inputs to other people and influence their response.

There is a simple meditation that serves as a good reminder of what is within my control. To do it:

1. Sit up straight in a chair or on a mat.

2. Hold your arms out in front of you.

3. Make fists with your hands.

4. Close your eyes, and keep them shut for the duration of this meditation.

5. Keeping your fists clenched, move your arms outwards and hold them up horizontally (like you’re doing chest flyes).

6. Bring your arms back in front of you. Focus on the sensations in your body. Take a deep breath in.

7. As you exhale, relax and let your arms drop down along your sides. Notice the sensations in your body, and feel who you are in this moment.

8. Notice what thoughts or feelings come to mind when you ask yourself, “What can I actually control?”

The beauty of this meditation is that I realized everything that is within my control is here with me.

I do not control:

• How others respond to what I say or do (that’s in their control!)

• The outcomes of the actions that I chose to take

• The results of the decisions that I chose to make

👣 How might I move forward?

Conduct personal pre-mortems. Before making an important decision, ask myself:

What am I afraid of going wrong?

Could my teammates, peers, or stakeholders have similar fears as I do?

Consider what I can do or say to address each of them.

Is there even anything I can do to prevent this from manifesting? If so, what are these things I can do proactively?

If this manifests, can we still take remediation actions?

Consider what I want to do. Just because I can do something, it doesn’t mean I’m the best person to do it.

Am I even the best person to perform this specific prevention/mitigation action? If not, who is?

What do I need to convince this individual to do?

What makes me think that they’re the best person to take action?

What information would they need to know to take action?

Accept what lies outside my control. After all, not everyone is willing to nor wants to be convinced.

Learn from the experience of influencing others.

How did they respond to my request? How did this compare to how I expected them to respond?

Did I do everything in my control to influence them to act?

What did I learn from this attempt of influencing them?

What did I neglect covering that they had questions or feedback about?

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